Happy Fatty New Year! Our Fattest Ever!


New Year’s Resolution: A commitment that an individual makes to a project or the reforming of a habit, often a lifestyle change that is generally interpreted as advantageous.

That’s Wikipedia’s definition – I guess they think now’s the time to reform your nasty little habits. Hrmpf. Like I’m going to stop buying Little Debbie snack cakes. Instead, I say that a resolution should really be more about being a better human being. Or maybe just being less of an asshole. Or as we like to put it, spread the fat around in three ways.

Acquire fat. Find something to work hard at. And this certainly need not be your actual job. Why bother wasting all your good energy there anyway? Trust me, nobody really cares. As long as you show up and keep the seat warm for your eight to ten a day consider it a job well done. Meanwhile, let’s focus on working hard at achieving new goals. For me, that means stepping on the inspirational foot pedal and crafting up some killer creations. On the heels of my successful clothespin doll empire, I am looking to develop exciting fun and desirable goods for the world to admire. This generation of crafty goodness will result in the acquisition of fatty love, whether that is measured in doting compliments a’plenty or bitty sacks of Internet coinage (aka PayPalPlayDoh). Both serve the soul well, and allow the factory to prosper.

Remain fat. Under no circumstances should a fatty lose their fattiness. That includes fatty pen pals, fatty moms, fatty furry friends, and even that fatty muffin top you hide up under your big fluffy sweater. Really, that’s what makes us so damn lovable anyway. Ignore this month long attack by the weight loss mafia – their latest diet fads (carbs aren’t evil, Jenny craig is evil) and ridiculous trends (having a wii fit harp on you to do jumping jacks is no different than having Richard Simmons sweat your pounds off with the golden oldies). So guard your fat with all your might. Hold it close. Feed it well. Cuddle when needed. And remain true, not just because lies are just pathetic, but because you’re a better person and it’s about damn time to act right.

Spread fat. So now that you’ve promised to obtain and secure your fattiness, let’s give sharing a go. Yes, we may have held it tight and promised to not let any fatty love escape, but this is different. Fatty is best when shared amongst the crowd. So cherish what you need and give the rest when and where it best be served. This is a teachable moment… for if you show how to share the wealth of your bounty, others will see your gift and feel genuine joy. You remember that, right? Real and actual happiness. It doesn’t come in a paycheck or streaming across your iPhone. It’s created or gifted, so get in the game. You absolutely must send to receive. So tough these times. So many in need. Things could be worse, mom always said. So take a moment and put aside a piece to share with the neighbours. The community needs all hands on deck, so stretch out your chubby little paw and take some time, make an effort and extend a little fatty love.


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