Cake Show Overload

22Sep09

cake is all goneWe love cake. It’s genetically coded into the DNA of all fatties. So normally we eat any form of cake that isn’t securely locked away behind glass cases. Cupcakes, pancakes, Hostess Cakes, cheesecakes… I could go on. However I think we’ve hit the wall when it comes to cakes on television. It’s out of control. First there was Duff and his artsy crew over at Charm City Cakes, where viewers were treated to a funky take on sculptured cakery. Then we had countless cake battles during Food Network Challenges – featuring towering cakes, Disney cakes, birthday cakes and even ones that twirled, whirled and blew up. There were a few runs of Sugar Rush, featuring creations from the DC bakery CakeLove. TLC entered the game with Cake Boss, the Sopranos version of bakery TV (minus the sea of strippers, bloody baseball bat beatdowns and foul mouthed guido sidekicks). And there’s the Ultimate Cake Off, yet another ferocious cake battle to the death. Then came a series of wedding services (resulting in hour-long commercials) running over at Chicks Obsessed with Getting Hitched channel, WE. They’re the noted home of reality bridal show, Bridezillas, which you should avoid unless you like watching snotty evil bitches blowing their lids because they don’t like the shade of some pink bow. Truly, I don’t even know how they film this thing. If somebody you know is asked to be on the show you need to un-friend them immediately, or for crying out loud, even if her parents are loaded, don’t marry the beast. They should just call it the “If the Wedding is this Nasty, Just Wait to See What a Terror of a Bitch I’m Gonna During the Divorce” Show. They really need a six month follow-up episode to see how wedded bliss is progressing for these nasty little gargoyles. It’s no surprise that these same insane people whipped up two shows focused entirely on wedding cakes, Wedding Cake Wars & Amazing Wedding Cakes. A six year old could roll out fondant (which, btw, happens to taste like Play-Doh) so I fail to see the fascination with watching adults squeeze it through the Spaghetti Fun Factory. At this point I’d rather watch an entire episode of 30 Minute Meals than endure more TV time devoted to cakes. At least they could move on to different foods… say sushi, corn dogs or butter pecan ice cream. We need to inject some new ideas – let’s see Appetizer Wars, where contestants mix futuristic mini food bites with sci-fi special effects. Or Hide the Bacon, where chefs have to trick vegetarians into eating fare with hidden fatty pork goodness. And truly it’s time for Divorce Dinners, where bitter exes agree on a division of assets while enjoying their last meal as a couple. Brilliant, eh? Obviously I’ve got whole bag of ingenious ideas, so feel free to call me, cable networks, and I’m sure we can strike a fair deal.

the divorce cake

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