Let’s Just Castrate Michael Vick


neuter michael vickThe Fatties would like to take a minute out of our normal fun food fighting to tackle an issue that is simply too overwhelmingly disturbing to ignore. In our attempt to make our obnoxious rant at least somewhat food-related, we’d like to not only skewer this guys nuts up onto a big steel rod, but serve him up naked and raw to a pack of enraged, armed animal friends who’d like to return the favor with each savage bite on behalf of their injured relatives.

Michael Vick, who was once just another dumbass illiterate football player, is back in the headlines, when he was released from prison to home confinement in May of 2009, as part of his time served for torturing, disfiguring and murdering dogs for sport. Back in 2007, when Vick was sentenced (for felony charges he plead guilty to), he lost his job as an NFL quarterback, along with a selection of endorsement deals, at which point he was banned from the game and then promptly filed for bankruptcy. (I guess it wasn’t enough that he fucked a bunch of defenseless canines – he thought he’d get in a few screws on society as a whole.) Last month the jackass that runs the NFL decided that Vick, being the stand-up quality guy that he is, has served his time and should be allowed to return to the league and play for profit again. This has stirred up much confrontation. You may have seen a clip from a 60-minute interview (due to air this Sunday) that has been running the media circuit where Vick the Dick is questioned about his souless acts of violence. He manages to not only pout, but also be pitiful, claiming his part in puppy massacres was “wrong” and he “feels badly.” Well that isn’t going to cut it, kid. It’s the most underwhelming apology ever, so coached he even manages to interject stories about tearful nights in his prison cell. Empathy is not just a word he can’t spell – it’s something he can’t achieve. Overall the interview appears to be a plea spewed from a sad, scary hateful beast begging for a “second chance” to re-join the NFL, where he will once again be given an obscenely outrageous salary and another opportunity to serve as a role model for pint-sized puppy-killers-in-training. And despite his pledge to help the Humane Society, his actions will not be forgiven and cannot be forgotten. And anybody who thinks it can… let your kid be the one to wear the Vick the Prick football jersey to school. And don’t be surprised when your little football hero sneaks out one night to tie the family pet to a tree. Then he’ll get all the neighbourhood kids together so they can use big flaming sticks to set Spot on fire, committing horrifying acts of hatred… just like that cool guy Michael Vick. Well, that’s one way to go. But we have another idea.

Michael Vick is more than just an ordinary creep, he’s the assholiest of assholes. He is the personification of a dizzying combination of ugly and evil, and slicing off his testicles sounds like a good place to start. Torturing animals is not like a drug problem. You do not slip up one night and take in a dog hanging because the other kids were doing it. And you don’t undo taking the life of a household pet by scooping up dog poo for an hour at the local shelter. What Vick did was so wrong, so horrifying, there is no excusing the behavior. While he claims “we all have issues” it is nothing less than insulting to alcoholics to compare his felony acts of violence against innocent animals to somebody who has a physiological addiction to the chemical makeup of alcohol. That football commissioner (Roger Goodell, noted Dipshit of the Day) must be out of his damned mind. Vick should not only be banned from playing in the NFL, but he should also spend the rest of his pitiful sorry life serving the needs of animals. And if that’s not enough to encourage him from behaving like a proper member of society, just give us Fatties an hour of time and free of consequences. We’ll need only our cats (one of which is armed with 7-deadly-claws-of-fury the other with toxic, laser-like-targeting pee cannon) along with a selection of garden tools which will be used to inspire Mr. Vick to maintain a lifetime dedicated to preventing animal injuries and to promoting animal protection.

So what, right? What can you do? Well, he just signed a 2-year deal (valued up to $6.9M) with Philadelphia Eagles. Don’t support this guy. Don’t support his team. Don’t support his paycheck. His sponsors. His family. His home. His life. None of it. Show him that we will not accept his apology and that his only second chance will be that he is given a place on The List along with an opportunity to continue living, which is more than he gave those eight dogs. And surely far more than this disgusting creature deserves.


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