Hell’s Kitchen Is Still Hot!

23Jul09

HKA new season of Hell’s Kitchen aired on Tuesday, July 21st and proved, yet again, that summer TV isn’t always for network shows that can’t hang with the big cats during the fall line-up. Gordon Ramsay has always been a favorite of the Fatties—as is anyone that can spew bile so eloquently. “Fuck off, you fucking donkey” will always be one of our favorites.

The Fatties are bound to post more as the season goes on and the playing field gets whittled down, ridiculing the contestants in our own unique way while we cheer on our favorite chef. There’s no point in getting emotionally involved at this point, as most of the contestants don’t show their personality until at least episode 4. But for now, we have a couple of favorites (and morons) worth mentioning.

robert-fatty-hells-kitchenRobert—the fave fatass from last season who left because of a heart problem. He’s baaaaack! And replaces Louie, the diner owner who should clearly convert to vegetarianism since he can’t cook a piece of meat to save his life. In a shocking season-opening twist (read: totally planned by network executives), Gordon kicks his sorry butt out of the kitchen during the first service and graciously brings back Robert to give him another chance. Of course, he warns Robert that, while he was “hero” last season, he’s now a “zero.” Though he wasn’t our fave from the start of last season, this Fatty is rooting for Robert right out of the gate now.

HK--amandaAmanda—the local ditz who tried to impress Gordon with… (wait for it)… French Toast. Huh? I guess with culinary inspirations Grandma and Grandpa, we shouldn’t be surprised that the only thing she could whip up under pressure was her favorite, childhood Saturday-breakfast . But really, I was hoping for a better showing from the hometown gal. At least she likes tequila, even if she doesn’t know the difference between a fridge and a freezer.

HK--tennilleTennille—the dread-head who couldn’t clean the shit sack out of the shrimp and lost the challenge for the girls (and Robert). The best part of the shrimp challenge was counting how many times Gordon got bleeped for saying “shit”—I got up to 37 and lost count.

HK--melindaMelinda—the deer-in-the-headlights girl who looks like she’s going to pee down her leg every time Gordon opens his mouth. Thankfully, she was eliminated. No one should be allowed to throw away 80lbs of pasta and get away with it. A retarded 3-year-old can cook capellini better than her.

HK--josephJoseph—who was a cook in the Marines (insert obligatory government-food joke here) and well, in short he “ain’t no bitch.” At least that’s what he claimed during elimination. Though he’s whiter than Matt Dillon’s capped teeth in Something About Mary, he barked at Gordon “I ain’t here for that, Dog.” Dog? Dude. What are you talking about?  This was the cliff-hanger we’re left with, with Joseph all up in Gordon’s grill (“greeeel”). If Gordon has his way, they’ll be serving deep-fried Joseph at the next dinner service.

The Fatties will be tuning in each week to see who gets skewered next…

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One Response to “Hell’s Kitchen Is Still Hot!”

  1. 1 brooke

    you crack me up!


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