We Must Stop Catering to The Stupids

15Jun09

evolutionMy favourite part of Darwin’s theories on evolution is that we’re supposed to be weeding out the weak, ineffective and useless members of society. And while no crack-pot imaginary friend theories (you may call it your religion) will dissuade me from believing these truths, somehow I suspect that part of this process seems to be breaking down. How else can we explain the proliferation of stupid people thriving on this planet?

One problem I’ve identified is that we are marketing products and catering services to The Stupids. They are clearly, directly and purposefully using marketing techniques to persuade these dolts to engage in societal habits, which practically encourages them to exist. And dreadfully, they’re using our dear friend, the food, to do it. And while we’ve finally dismissed their political leader, while in office he was able to encourage C-students to litter our society with their thoughts and beliefs. Reckless breading proliferated and idiocracy emerged as a way of life. And now we’re subjected to the results of the overpopulation of Stupids – they are creating ridiculous products catering to the intelligence-deprived flourishing in our country. A few examples:

bisquick shake and pourBisquick Shake n’ Pour (TM). The difference between this product and the original boxed unit – packaging. It’s the same recipe… meaning the only ingredient the user has to add is water. So get this, in the original product you take some powdered pancake mix, put it in a bowl, add water, mix to combine, pour it out on a pan and cook. Apparently this was far too difficult for a segment of society that has yet to acquire basic cooking tools even the Cro-Magnons mastered – the bowl. To help these buffoons achieve pancake success they decided to put the powder into a plastic bottle where the user still has to add water, but without all that pesky use of a bowl. Now they get to shake the bottle like a trained circus monkey to combine the ingredients. And for this convenience Bisquick charges about twice the amount of the original box, but for the half the stuff.

disaronnoDisaronno TV Advertisements. Have you seen the commercials for Disaronno amaretto where they offer recipes on how to use their almond liqueur? Sure the sexy man doing the chatting is nice and easy on the eyes, but it is nearly painful to listen to him speak. Every commercial is the same. It’s a drink recipe for enjoying their fancy booze, however the ingredients for the drink are all listed in the title of the recipe. Guess what’s in a Milk and Disaronno? Well, it has milk and Disaronno. And Coke and Disaronno? Try Coke and Disaronno. One more? How about Cranberry and Disaronno? A mixture of cranberry juice and Disaronno. It’s disturbing that some ingenious advertising executive dreamed this up hoping to capture the gaze of dillholes with the attention span a spotted dog. Perhaps he too just recently discovered those opposable thumbs located at the end of his arms and thought a 2-ingredient drink required a clear technical break-down during a 30 second television spot. But the rest of us? We can usually spot a pattern this obvious after the age of 4.

kentucky grilled chickenFake Grilling Lines. Suspiciously manufactured grilling lines are rumored to be lurking everywhere, even at your friendly local Applebees, where steaks and burgers are “stamped” with grill lines during the pre-cooking process (which ensures they are safely and fully cooked). They are then frozen, shipped out to local restaurants and reheated before they get dumped on your plate. And while not everybody uses actual black food ink to print on fake grilling marks, many establishments are guilty of using heating devices specifically for creating the lines, not for cooking your food (like heated skewers). Consider the perfect lines on the Hot Pocket Panini. Or the huge promotion going on over at KFC for their new Grilled Chicken (TM) which even on TV smells like a cheap Fendi knock-off. Insiders say the chicken is cooked in the steamer as usual then tossed in a “grill press” to achieve the black lines from a backyard charcoal BBQ. Did you really think that they had shipped Weber’s to every KFC on the planet?

neuterThe collective IQ of the American public has been reduced to that of a stumbling caveman with just enough brain capacity to operate the Comcast remote control. It’s here, staring at the face of the boob tube, that The Stupids are herded for the commercial purpose of separating the person from the paycheck. (How they got the paycheck – well that’s another problem for another time.) People are lured by marketing jargon equivalent to shiny bells being rattled in front of little babies. And while I’m all for the the capitalistic drive to make a buck, the overpopulation of doodles is leading to an ecological breakdown that prevents the rest of us from evolving and moving further up the monkey growth chart. In order to secure the future of our society, and prevent us from regressing back to apes, I think it’s time we expand the use of the mobile Spay and Neuter Truck Fleets to work their magic on the degenerates roaming free. And I know a good place for them to start – there’s some 30 buildings in Redmond that are in desperate need of some snipping to cease the expansion of morons in the region. There’s no need in delaying the inevitable, so feel free to let us know who we can start with in your family today…

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One Response to “We Must Stop Catering to The Stupids”

  1. 1 Karen

    The first time I saw the shake n’ pour was when one of the Fatties (I won’t name names) brought it on a camping trip. She might try to argue that it was convenient. But it would be just as easy to buy the stuff in the box and pour it into an old juice container or something. Just sayin’.


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