Food Pimpin’: Raspberry Cinnamon Rolls


raspberry-cinnamon-rollsI like to jazz up my store-bought food the way Xzibit likes to work up stank old Cadillacs. This week I had a can of Pillsbury Grands Cinnamon Rolls treading over the expiration date requiring quick action to whip up some doughboy magic. In an effort to mimic one of my favourite bakery treats from Calico Cupboard (best restaurant ever), the raspberry cinnamon roll, I chose to pimp my store-bought prepped food with a few additions. A bit of a mess, but the results were impressive. First, rip the can open (yes, your favourite part, slamming it in on the counter). Next, separate the rolls and unroll the spirals. Take a jar of raspberry jam and spread a thin layer on the inside, making sure not to lose the cinnamon goop. Roll that bad boy back up and place them in the your pan for baking as directed (see picture). Next, empty the paltry icing provided into a bowl and add enough softened cream cheese to double the volume. Liberally frost your raspberry rolls. Enjoy while warm.

And please, do not confuse my Food Pimpin’ with that crack pot Sandra Lee and her “Semi-Homemade” recipes. First of all, that woman is one Xanax short of a long-term admission to a mental institution. One simply has to be riding on the thin edge of reality to even consider her food edible. And I don’t know whose pole she rode to get a television show, but I am impressed by the bold inventions she throws out there every week. I almost lost my mind when she tossed a can of chili on tater tots and called them Tex Mex Tater Bites. Add a drop of coconut extract to a vanilla pudding snack pack, dump it in a martini glass and ta-da – you have Paradise Pudding Surprise. It is possible that she manages to dream up these delights only after chasing her Ridalin with the cocktails she pours to accompany every meal. All contain at least half flavoured vodka. Most are sugared up with pineapple and cranberry juices, making everything taste like liquored up Kool-Aid Fruit Punch. Of course to top it all off, she’ll have the table decorated with the Kool-Aid fat guy in a jar squatting in the center of the spread, because if you’re willing to use Chef Boyardee as an ingredient for your dinner party, you might as well take decorating advice from somebody who shops exclusively in the clearance section at Big Lots.



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