Choked on Chopped


pickled-monkey-gonads1If you haven’t had the opportunity to catch an episode of Food Network’s latest entry into the competitive food genre, Chopped, let me save you an hour of your life that’d be better spent weeding the front yard. This latest dish of spew is served up by Ted Allen who sprang to notoriety when became part of the fab five boy toy team that gay’ed up crusty straight guys by teaching them how to shower, buy new underwear and put tiny umbrellas in margaritas. Ted also brought us Food Detectives, a show so lame and passe I refuse to provide a link. Again, your welcome for saving your time for more productive measures (like watching kitty porn).

The premise of the show Chopped is that four chefs are given a box of secret ingredients and instructed to create new, inspiring and edible dishes. There are three rounds, including appetizers, entrees and desserts. Each round has a contestant dropped, or as they call it “chopped”, from the competition for having the worst entry. The last chef standing is awarded a cool ten grand cash prize. Sounds harmless, right? Guess again. We’re adding this trash to The List, because this crap is more Fear Factor than Iron Chef.

The problem is the seriously disturbed individual (who I suspicion is Ted) packs the secret basket of food ingredients with the most nauseous combinations you can imagine. One episode included cantaloupe, watermelon and sardines. Together. In one dish. Horrifying, isn’t it? Who cares if you can have cockiness necessary to serve up a dish with chunks of melon and oiled fish? That ain’t going in my tummy. And my heart goes out to the so-called judges, including Alex Guarnaschelli, famed-chef at Butter Restaurant in NYC and host of The Cooking Loft, who had to endure chowing down the heinous witches brew results. This is a pointless show which can’t possibly inspire home cooks to remake dishes at home. Unless they’re high.

Despite my budding hatred for this offensive show, the fatties are now such well-known commentators in the food genre, we’ve got some clandestine inside connections over at the Food Network. We covertly managed to get our hands on the next episode’s secret list of the food basket ingredients, and I couldn’t resist sharing them with you all. Get your knives ready ’cause my taste buds are already tingling!

  • Maple syrup

  • Grapefruit

  • Pickled monkey gonads

Send your recipes in today!


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