Results Not Typical


Cookie Monster DietIt’s been delightful to see those stupid carb diets (Atkins and South Beach) finally fall out of favour in the last couple years. Of course, I’m sure a new one is just around the corner, ready to lure another legion of self-hating fatties to hand out their paychecks in return for empty promises. Even in researching diets you’ll find that the biggest issue is adherence, for nobody, not even paid test subjects, can stick to the plan. If you’ve ever wondered what truth was hidden behind the “Results Not Typical” fine print, here goes. Half bail before completing even short 12-week sessions. This is merely the first obstacle – restricting yourself from eating good food for a couple of months.

In the event you do manage to successfully stay on target, you’ll be sad to discover the results of all your dedication and determination. The average weight loss for a Weight Watchers customer is 10 pounds. Wow. 10 whole pounds. That might make breathing in your cords possible, but it ain’t going to get you in a 2-piece. And that sure isn’t what we see on those ridiculous before/after photos.

So let’s pretend that you go on the diet, manage to adhere to the plan, and even manage to actually pull off that miraculous 10-pound weight loss. The next horrible truth is that 95% of all dieters regain their lost weight within 2-5 years, plus an additional 10 pounds. Them are about as good as Bingo odds. I’d rather try my hand at Tulalip.

And the costs? Those are insane too! According to Forbes, it can cost you twice as much money to follow popular programs. And it’s obviously not because of the price of carrots, it’s the cost for the brainwashing.


Diet Costs from Forbes

So for every diet you start, you’re instantly paying double for food and throwing on additional 10 pounds. You can save yourself and stop now, or you can choose a less painful option. Next up, we’ll be offering the FattyChow Doritos and Donuts diet, guaranteed to provide you the same results!


One Response to “Results Not Typical”

  1. 1 Dusa

    This is why both nicotine and meth are good diet-alternatives for those who are insistent upon trying to not be a fatty. Easy to adopt, easy to stick to. Much easier than swearing you’re never going to eat a carb again (except on weekends, or the third Tuesday of every month, or when you “deserve” it).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: