Fatty has nothing to do with size


fat cat in bedYou may think, Fatties, this has nothing to do with me. I’m not fat. I don’t shop at Lane Giant. I fit in this bed just fine. These aren’t “plus” sized pants. Honestly. I buy my clothes at The Gap. Oh, just stop. The Gap sizes have been inflated for the last decade. What was once a size 12 is now a size 8. In a few years, it’ll be a 4. It’s the clothing industry trying to make you feel better about your big ol’ muffin top. I’ve been everything from a size 12 to a size 24, and I can assure you, it makes no difference. Once a fatty, always a fatty. We know that everybody has a collection of varied sizes in their closet – skinny days vs. fat days. We also know who always wins that battle. Feel free to squeeze your fat ass into it, if you must. But truthfully, when was the last time you actually wore those stupid skinny jeans out of the house?

Surrender now. It doesn’t matter if you have had a gym membership your whole life, strictly drink diet pop and haven’t had a slice of Wonder Bread since 2002. Your life is but a blip on the galactic scale, so saving 100 calories by opting for the salad over fries is irrelevant. Don’t bother skipping dessert. No mayo? Give me a break. You could get buried in volcanic ash while you sleep. Maybe drive your car off the end of the520 tomorrow. Hell, that brain cancer could snuff you out before the end of the month. And it would all be over. Nobody wants their last meal to be cottage cheese, so man up and order yourself a chocolate shake today. It won’t kill you. And even if it, wouldn’t it be a great way to go?


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