MexiChow

04Jan08

xpu ha balcony This year Santa visited our family in Mexico, at the Xpu Ha Palace Resort in Playa del Carmen. They describe the hotel as an eco-friendly family resort. What does this really mean?

The food is recycled. Yup. Just like college, what you didn’t eat at lunch will undoubtedly turn back up at dinner. And don’t think that food you left on your plate will be thrown out. That’s recycled too. There’s no garbage cans on site. What isn’t consumed by you is served up at the next feeding.

raccoons How can I prevent my uneaten food from being re-served in tomorrow’s menu? You must feed it to one of the untamed wild animals that roam the grounds. First off, there’s the resort kitties. A rag-tag bunch of felines that meow for handouts and beg to be smuggled home. Secondly, there’s a gang of ravenous raccoons. Feed at your own peril, as they certainly carry MexiMolaria, Mex-e-coli and other beastly ailments.

velociraptor Finally, there’s an abundant population of velociraptors. For the most part they are not interested in your leftover burritos, but would rather prefer small children for noshing. We found this one hovering outside our bungalow following the sound of a screaming baby. There must be something irresistable about the scent of baby dumps steaming in the mid-day sun.

So how was the MexiChow? Not good. Not good at all. They were clearly making coffee using the same grounds they purchased when the opened the resort in 2003. The orange juice was neither orange, nor juice, but rather suspiciously closer in colour to urine. Meat products were not properly disclosed – the sausage clearly containing hooves and ear wax from whatever animal was too slow to evade capture. We offer our suggestions on how to survive your next vacation in Mexico.

Avoid eating foods that were not prepared in your presence

Bring a second can of pringles

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